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Alone Again

I got dumped again, and I’m not happy about it. I hate how lonely I feel when I’m single. But to be honest, even when with I’m with someone, I often feel alone.  And I have come to realize that this, and the resentment and frustration that I aways seem to feel before, during, and, after comes from a hole that I have inside of me.  And that hole comes from where a satisfactory relationship with my mother should be.
Don’t get me wrong,  I loved my mother; but I also resented her because I always felt that she placed the need for her father’s love and approval over my own needs.  If there was any sort of trouble on that side of the family, I was the one who received the blame.  I never saw my mother stand up to my grandfather on my behalf one time.  I’ve carried that with me ever since.  But I didn’t realize what effect it had on me until yesterday.  It was always there under the surface, but now I see how it’s had an effect on my love life.  I’m looking for that unconditional love but never find it.  Nor will I. Adult relationships are complicated and imperfect, even under the best of circumstances.  Still, it’s a great relief to see how this has affected me.  Now I just have to figure out what to do with this insight.

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One thought on “Alone Again

  1. Interesting! We all in some way shape or form date our parents. Subconsciously we have a desire and need to fill that void they left. We even as adults are seeking their approval still. It can lead to failed relationships and sometimes toxic relationships. Embrace and heal the little Jason the wounded kid and love shall be at your door step.
    Much love

    Like

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